Certain, Certainer, Certainest

September 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

Uncertainty can be downright awful.  There are things we can be quite certain of, but is it an illusion?  I am certain I will wake up tomorrow and make it to work safely and have the job I had today.  Because something exists today, in other words, I’m quite certain it will exist tomorrow.  I expect it all to be just as I left it–my health, my finances, my job, my family, and even my friends.  But I read, or heard, somewhere that to be truly at peace means to expect nothing.  I tried this, or was going to try this for a day, and couldn’t even manage to do it for an hour.  I expect a lot out of people, which I think means I am certain of things.  Of course, can I really be certain of everything?

I am not certain of a few things.  I am not certain of who I will marry.  I’m not desperate or panicky about finding a spouse, but it causes me a good deal of energy because I see in front of me an entire shelf of uncertainty.  You see, there are single men in my life and a handful of them are interesting, funny and attractive.  I wonder if they too might be interested in me?  And usually I find out when they start dating someone else, but in most cases, I have no idea.  And I hear all sorts of things from: “you will know if a guy’s into you” to “I wait for the girl to make the first move”.  So, these men I find interesting…are some of them waiting for me to make a move?  (Side note: I read The Male Brain last week, and I thought it would clear up some answers.  I think it only muddled them compared to my experiences with the opposite sex.)

Like I mentioned before, I’m not hyperventilating over here, or twiddling my thumbs waiting for a man to rescue me.  I’m actually pretty happy being single, but I know I do want to get married someday and so I think about it almost every day.  It’s like wanting a really great job, but not knowing what that looks like.  And I feel like I’m looking at job postings, and I see 10 really cool jobs that seem to fit me pretty well.  I have no idea what actually will work out, so I march forward and try them all.  Actually, I think I’ve just described online dating, and well, a first date does sometimes feel like a job interview.  But that’s another story.

I asked out a friend this week, and I almost knew I would be rejected.  But I found this man interesting and attractive, but not knowing if he was interested in me–the uncertainty of it all–was too much.  I just wanted to know: yes or no.  This week in our Sacrilicious Bible study, we read the verses in Luke: “Ask, and you shall receive; seek, and you shall find; knock and the door shall be opened.”  This has been somewhat of a tricky passage, because we ask for things all of the time, and don’t receive them.  Without going into some heady theological debate (because I don’t think I could anyways), I think in some ways, God is saying, “Ask, and I’ll answer…somehow.”

Well, the boy said no, but this is not about boys.  Well, not totally.  It’s about the fear of uncertainty.  I’m happier with “no”, than I am with not knowing at all, and yet, I want to be at peace with the unknowns, to embrace the mystery.

On a positive note, I’m certain I will enjoy my marathon on Sunday.  I’m even certainer (look it up, it’s a word), I will finish the race.  It might rain, it might get hot, but I’m certainest of my strong legs and determination.

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